The Art of Asking: Or Trust

       

Memorize this book.  It will do you so much good.  This book is more about trusting than asking and by that I mean you have to trust and respect who you are asking.  You have to trust that the asked will deliver.  You have to trust and hope that they will not make fun of you.  You ultimately have to trust that the universe is mostly good.  Amanda Palmer has been extremely lucky with the universe, but she also participated in numerous trust falls to encourage people to trust her in return and want to help support her.   Amanda is a rock star who likes to get naked.  I hate to define her that way, but just google image her and see what I mean.  She rebelled against her record label and successfully crowdfunded an album.  She is a big advocator for the pay-what-you can patronage. 

     Brene Brown summarizes the book in her introduction:

 "But this book is not about seeing people from safe distances—that seductive place where most of us live, hide, and run to for what we think is emotional safety.  The Art of Asking is a book about cultivating trust and getting as close as possible to love, vulnerability, and connection.  Uncomfortably close. Dangerously close.  Beautifully close.  And uncomfortably close is exactly where we need to be if we want to transform this culture of scarcity and fundamental distrust.”

     The main plot lines driving the book are the successful Kickstarter campaign (which raised $1.2 million, the most any musician has), her years as a street performer, the internal debate of asking her husband, Neil Gaiman, for financial support, and her friend/mentor’s, Anthony Martignetti, struggle with cancer.  There are hundred of tiny, important, and enlightening stories along the way, but these three are the main arches. 

     Of course the biggest plot line is asking.  Amanda breaks down people’s fear of asking: 

"Often it is our own sense that we are undeserving of help that has immobilized us.  Whether it’s in the arts, at work, or in our relationships, we often resist asking not only because we’re afraid of rejection but also because we don’t even think we deserve what we’re asking for. We have to truly believe in the validity of what we’re asking for––which can be incredibly hard work that requires a tightrope walk about the doom-valley of arrogance and entitlement.  And even after finding the balance, how we ask, and how we receive the answer––allowing, even embracing, the no––is just as important as finding that feeling of valid-ness.”

You are worth helping is her battle cry.  This strong fountain of empathy comes from Anthony’s teachings and really taught me something as well:

 "You can never give people what they want, Anthony said.
     What do you mean? 
      […]
     People always want something from you, he said.  Your time. Your love.  Your money.  For you to agree with them and their politics, their point of view.  And you can’t ever give them what they want.  But you–– 
That’s a dreary worldview.   

   Let my finish, clown.  You can’t ever give people what they want.  But you can give them something else.  You can give them empathy.  You can give them understanding.  And that’s a lot, and enough to give."

 This sentiment is my New Year’s resolution to be more empathetic and that will lead to understanding and connecting. 

     Many things were surprising and life-changing/altering, but the thread of her busking adventures as a nine-foot tall bride statue, changes my world view the most.  Amanda would wear a wedding dress, paint herself white, and stand frozen with flowers in her hands until a patron stopped and gave her money.  She would come alive to give the person a flower, her gratitude, and human connection by meeting the person’s gaze and not flinching.  Amanda says, “I was ignored by probably 99 percent of all those who passed me on that sidewalk over my five or six years of Bride-ing.” Resilience.  Keep going and cherish the few that do notice you.    

     A person has to really want to be looked at to take so many chances of rejection.  Which brings us to Amanda’s insightful revelation about the difference between being “looked at” and “seen:”

“There’s a difference between wanting to be looked at and wanting to be seen.
     When you are looked at, your eyes can stay blissfully closed.  You suck energy, you steal the spotlight.  When you are seen, your eyes must be open, as you are seeing and recognizing your witness.  You accept energy and you generate energy.  You create light.
     One is exhibitionism, the other is connection.
     Not everybody wants to be looked at.
     Everybody wants to be seen."

     Artist want to be seen.  They want to feel real and that is often hard because there are no rules to art and becoming a real artist has no definitive guide book.  We are all just feeling around in the dark, but Amanda gives us a magical way to believe in ourselves and go for what we want:

"When you’re an artist, nobody ever tells you or hits you with the magic wand of legitimacy.  You have to hit your own head with your own handmade wand.  And you feel stupid doing it.
     There’s no "correct path" to becoming a real artist.  You might think you’ll gain legitimacy by going to art school, getting published, getting signed to a record label.  But it’s all bullshit, and it’s all in your head.  You’re an artist when you say you are.  And you’re a good artist when you make somebody else experience or feel something deep and unexpected."

And to all those artists who are told to get a real job:

“Nobody would have shouted GET A JOB at the ticket-taker outside a gallery door if The Bride had been on view for a dollar a pop.  It seems that, over time, artists and audiences alike have become accustomed to a legitimizing agent, a transactional middleman to throw professional fairy dust over the exchange.  The times are changing.” 

You work hard at connecting the dots and producing something of value.  Don’t let anyone take that away from you.  Accept the help and sometimes all you have to give is gratitude, sometimes just a flower, but your art is worth it.

This is my original art work inspired by this book.  Take the Daisy Poms.

A good artist can take hate and turn it into something beautiful.

“Have you ever heard of a “sin-eater?’ [asked Anthony.]       

No, I said. Tell me.      

It’s when a local holy man, or a guru, takes on the sins and sufferings of the community by opening to those who are in pain, and filtering the pain and suffering.  He takes all the emotional trash and, through his body, through his love and capacity to stay present, clarifies the pain into compassion.  Lots of religions have their version of it.  Jesus does it for the Christians.      

A community confession-booth attendant, basically, I said. 

Ha. Basically.  There were professional sin-eaters in England.  A guy, for money, would come around and eat bread over the corpse of a dead family member to purge the body of sin before it went to heaven.  It’s also the magic and mystery of what we do––when we nail it––in psychotherapy.  We take on the suffering of others, digest it, transform it.     And artists? I asked. Sounds like art.      

Yeah, good artists do it.  You know the “Artist “ and the “Medicine Man” used to be the same guy.  “Musician” and “Shaman” used to be the same characters, in a way.  Our jobs aren’t that different, you and me.  I’ve seen you in the signing line, I’ve watched you.  Eat the pain.  Send it back into the void as love.”

     Amanda’s career is based on connecting with people.  She provides a wonderful formula:

“Collecting the dots.  Then connecting them.  And then sharing the connections with those around you.  This is how a creative human works.  Collecting, connecting, sharing.”

     She advises in her book to stop worrying about impressing people because if you’re worrying, you’re not connecting.  So lets put connecting at the top of the priority list.  It’s a very rewarding way to find happiness which should be the ultimate goal of all humans.  Though, there is risk involved. She even warns us:

“A warning: With every connection you make online, there’s more potential for criticism.  For every new bridge you build with your community, there’s a new set of trolls who squat underneath."

     She connects with her fans through twitter on a daily bases (she’s a wonderful follow), through her shows where she takes the time to meet her fans, and even through her tours where she often stayed at people’s houses.  Some of this may seem scary to some but Palmer believes that trusting people makes them your allies.

"I’m often asked: How can you trust people so much? Because that’s the only way it works.
     When you accept somebody’s offer for help, whether it’s in the form of food, crash space, money, or love, you have to trust the help offered.  You can’t accept things halfway and walk through the door with your guard up.
     When you openly, radically trust people, they not only take care of you, they become your allies, your family.
     Sometimes people will prove themselves untrustworthy.
     When it happens, the correct response is not:
     Fuck! I knew I couldn’t trust anybody! The correct response is.  Some people just suck.  Moving right along."

     A big take away and quote from this book is “take the donuts.” This comes from discovering that Thoreau had infinite amounts of help throughout his stay at Walden Pond.  He dined at friends houses, the land was a friend’s, and his mother would bring him donuts every week.  Amanda makes a call to just “take the donuts;” take the help. 

“Maybe it comes back to that same old issue: we just can’t see what we do as important enough to merit the help, the love.  Try to picture getting angry at Einstein devouring a donut brought to him by his assistant while he sat slaving on the theory of relativity.  Try to picture getting angry at Florence Nightingale for snacking on a donut while taking a break from tirelessly helping the sick.  It’s difficult."
[…]
“So a plea.
     To the artists, creators, scientists, nonprofit-runners, librarians, strange-thinkers, start-upper, and inventors, to all people everywhere who are afraid to accept the help, in whatever form it’s appearing:
     Please, take the donuts."

Here's her beautiful TED talk if this post hasn't convinced you of her beauty and important messages.